” She keeps telling me: happiness starts with you. But I see her very unhappy all the time and I don’t know what to do!”
He sits down in the armchair. His hands are folded, and his whole body is out of control, looking small and humiliated. His eyes are red. He cried on the way. We are in the fourth session. I hand him the tissue box.
– Well…I’m just not going to cry here.
– Why not?
– How am I going to do such a thing?
I smile and encourage him to take the napkin that lifts its cheekly corner from the lacy box.
He cries softly and tells me just as softly, once again, that he doesn’t know what else he can do to make her happy.
“She’s not happy”
It is the leitmotif of all our meetings.
– If I do, she tells me: “Let me do it, you don’t know how.” If I don’t, she gets upset and yells at me. I would use an ugly expression for the way she behaves.
– What is that expression? Do you think you can replace it with something else? Do you think I can help you replace it?
– Yes, maybe. The expression is: she is hysterical. That’s it and I’m not replacing it! She gets hysterical about anything.
– Why did she…” get hysterical” the last time?
– Now, on the way, coming here. I asked her what are we going to do tomorrow. It is Saturday. She said: ”I am not a travel agency. You should also think about something”. I replied that I would like to ride. I haven’t been in a long time and I love it. She told me that I should remember loads of other things to do on the weekend that I never think about. I asked what I wasn’t thinking about. “You tell me.”. I don’t know, I don’t know. And she’s downstairs, waiting for me in the car, and she’s not happy. What does she mean: happiness starts with you?
In mother’s care
Mike is 13 years old. He has lived only with his mother since his parents divorced. He was two years old at that time. The mother did not have a partner during this period. Mike is not a weak student, but he seems quite disinterested in school.
All the mother’s concern goes to his results and she is not satisfied. In the meeting I had with her, she told me she does everything it is possible: sits next to him when he does his homework, watches over him, and talks to him on the phone every break. But Mike does not live up to her expectations at all.
She has the complete picture of the full-grown adult Mike would be, but on the road, as he is now, she doesn’t see how that could happen.
Mike is passionate about riding and basketball. “Nonsense, what can he do with those in life?” And he cries a lot. That’s why they came to therapy. Mike tries to solve everything by crying. He cries especially when he gets low grades. Mom won’t be happy again.
The relationship with the father is not constant. He is a successful businessman, mostly out of the country. The mother feels the responsibility of raising the child irreproachably and proving her qualities as a single parent. On the one hand, she gives him the example of his father’s success, on the other: “You will end up without a family, like your father.”
So, the single mother is the supporter of the family, of the discipline, she is the model and the chief guardian of the child in everything that means health, education, and happiness. She makes a heroic attempt to fulfill and excel in all these roles and even more. Mike must become the partner who supports her in this endeavor. His shoulders are frail for such a huge task (happiness starts with you), the responsibilities rather ambiguously formulated, and above all, he is not the adult partner, but the developing child.
And then…
What can a mother do who raises her boy by herself?
She can avoid turning him into the “man of the house”. True, the mother wants to teach him to grow up to be a man, but there is a distinction between being a ‘little man’ and taking responsibility for things that adults usually do. The child is not a confidant, a knight in shining armor, or a therapist. And it would be wonderful if the mother could stop those who suggest that now he is the “man of the house” or that he has to “take care of mommy.”
And what else?
She can support him by recognizing his real talents, talking about them, and giving him opportunities to excel in them. Fulfilling his need to belong to a group with the same concerns as his. Boys who grow up without a father often feel incomplete, alone, and lacking a strong identity.
She could talk to the boy about the difference between sex and love. It is good to remind him that he was conceived in love. She may turn to a relative or other important man in his life to talk about the emotional aspects of romantic encounters, sex, and love.
Without a father present to help shape the son’s character and reflect the behaviors appropriate for male adults such as respect, self-discipline, politeness, civility, and trust, boys are tempted to pick up character traits from the world around them, not always according to the best criteria.
Would there be anything else?
She can look at people the boy imitates. The mother is now the central part of his life, so probably he embodies many of her values and behaviors. But mom should surround herself with mentors for the boy. It is neither shameful nor wrong to accept and acknowledge your limits as a mother to your son. He will be less afraid of making mistakes and will understand that this is the way to healthy relationships.
And what else can a mother do who raises her boy by herself?
If her son has a father who lives far away, studies show that any contact, however tenuous, with the father is beneficial. The mother would be doing her son a tremendous good if she would put aside her feelings of bitterness, alienation, or judgment if she would do all she could to help him meet his father.
And, above all, to preserve and respect the beauty of her own son’s identity, without unnecessary comparisons and scenarios that he is not ready to interpret.
