Some time ago, I found myself on a train journey to Maramureș county, an old northern part of Romania, where well brought up is still an immutable human value. Two young and healthy men, coming from an abroad work that alienated them from home, were, like me, witnesses of the following scene.
How old is he?
Train, second class tickets.
In front of me sits a petite young woman with her little boy of three years and eight months (I find this out quickly). Restless and curious on his first train trip (I find that too), the minute after departure he scatters the bag with corn flakes, in the next thirty he gets on where he wants, gets off as he wants, sits where he wants, while the mother, caught in the first minute and for the next thirty, in phone conversations, relies on my warm look, because “you seem to have a great understanding for children.” I control my impulse to rush to plaster her brain with Montessori rules, at least.
“How old did the lady say the little boy is?” one of the men asks me as the mother and child walk down the aisle.
Three years and eight months, I tell him. Three years and eight months, he repeats… Now, it’s too late for a well-brought-up.
Lectures from Piaget, Bruner, Dewey, Rousseau, and even Montessori were mixed with the simple intuition of this man, raised in respect for the father who spoke rarely and harshly and with great love for the always conciliatory mother. The well-brought-up man was right.
About limits
This article is dedicated to parents with children between 0 and 3 years old. Especially for them. Later it might become too late for a well brought up.
Children grow by imitating adults. In raising and educating them, drawing healthy boundaries is an essential, yet very, very challenging process.
After years of experience as a parent and as a psychotherapist, my opinion is that interdiction in its classic form: You are not allowed to, Do not dare to, Do not go there, etc. proves ineffective in the short term and erodes the decision-making capacity of the later adult. The ban works since the world is almost the same: you make me curious, so I’ll still try at some point.
But how else do we draw the boundaries?
Alternatives
The children are more attracted to choose than doing what they are dictated to do. When we give the chance to choose, children begin to understand they can do things, they are capable of doing by themselves. In a setting with healthy boundaries, where alternatives are offered, the child learns about decisions and consequences. The parent who succeeds in providing options will be perceived as a partner. Not an accomplice, not a partisan, but a partner.
How do we do this?
Providing the framework to choose from. What do children think when they are told: You are not allowed to do that? So, what do I do now? Not that, but what else am I allowed to do? Anything else? Help me understand.
You could do this (option 1) or this (option 2). Choose what you like.
Why only two variants? At very young ages, the child does not have the cognitive capacity or the experiences to support a larger selection process. Make sure, however, that at least in one of the two options there is a point of interest for the child. This is how you build his trust in the partnership.
Consequences
The parent who explains a consequence of the action instead of a decision without the right of appeal is also perceived as a partner:
Hmm…I think it’s dangerous the way you play, you could hurt yourself pretty badly. (consequence), instead of Don’t play like that, Come right next to me, Don’t play there, etc.
The messages of the first phrase? I’m here with you, you’re safe, I care. We are together.
If the phrase is followed by variants from which the child can choose, the effect will be as expected.
Offers
Specifically, a clear explanation is easy to understand for the child, plus the offer of help (partnership) is a successful equation.
This object is very fragile, meaning it can be easily broken. I show you how to hold it, how to take care of it, instead of Don’t touch it! Do not touch! It will break! (or even worse: You’ll break it!)
The maneuvers a child does together with the parent will be part of the future autonomy, and independence portfolio. Some people are born very handy, and resourceful, and others have a greater need to learn how to do things. Skills acquired in childhood are refined during a lifetime. Skills acquired in adulthood require a lot of work and sometimes they are no longer refined.
The lesson the children learn when the adult does things for them, repeatedly, out of the partnership, just because of fear of spoiling or lack of time and patience, is that of their powerlessness.
Consistency and coherence
The behavioral patterns that children will integrate into their personality system are formed by the models they repeatedly receive. If today a child doesn’t pack up the toys scattered all around and experiences as a consequence, let’s say, the fact that can no longer find the favorite toy for which suffers and cries, and in a week the same “disobedience” is treated with humor, a kiss on the cheek and a Let mum do this, in a similar situation the child will not have the initiative to pack up the toys, but will remain to wait for intervention or will perfect themselves in emotional blackmail. The consistency of the parents’ behavior, even if it sometimes “breaks our hearts”, results, among other things, in the development of the spirit of initiative.
I’m not advocating inflexibility, I’m just talking about the emotional health of children growing up in an environment where the anchors are always where they’ve learned they are.
What further?
We have the chance of a teenager who is less vulnerable to the unfiltered offerings of the group he ends up being a part of. Because they experienced the choices, the decisions, and their filter.
At a young age, children orientate themselves exclusively towards the parental model. In adolescence, a group of friends becomes a major landmark. The child who has always done what and how was told, without learning how to make their own decision, will go on in the next stage of life doing almost everything from what and how their friends say. Because that’s how it’s usual: to be dictated to.
“Andrew is 15 years old and very easily influenced, whatever his friends tell him is better than what we, the parents, tell him.”
No matter how you turn this phrase, Andrei only does what he is told. Nothing about personal choices. In the present case, Andrei is asked for something that he was not given: the confidence that he can choose well “on his own.” It’s like asking a bank for interest on a sum of money that you never deposited.
Well brought up x 2
The gain in this process of searching and finding options for the child is twofold: the parent also learns something. Learns how to create alternatives to the child’s real needs.
“This flick-flack, this slalom between options is sometimes exhausting and sometimes I don’t even have the time, the mood, the patience.”
That’s how it is in the beginning. It’s a new exercise. No one tells us how to do it. It depends on our creativity, flair, inspiration, conjuncture, and the observations we make on the child’s behavior. We are like our children: we do not know how. We also are in a process of well brought up as parents.
When it comes to family financial investments, you turn to financial advisors. When it comes to investing in your child’s upbringing, who do you turn to?
