When Yoyo is no longer just a game but the metaphor of destructive behavior in relationships, it would help us to take a step back and activate our objective eye.
“Go there, come here, leave me, but stay”
Sebastian is a charming young man. His tall, athletic stature gives him a few extra years, but it’s a benefit he’s aware of and trains for.
He speaks comprehensively about the education he has and the job he completely identifies with. From the fidgeting of his hands, I understand that his presence in therapy is related to situations he finds it difficult to talk about. I encourage him, and the journey begins.
I have a relationship with a beautiful girl, a colleague of mine. Well, it’s a relation from 8 a.m.to 5 p.m. Most attempts to do things together after work are met with her evasions. Declarations contradict actions. She says “yes, can’t wait,” then comes up with the most banal excuses. Nevertheless, or perhaps because of this, I feel like I’m starting to fall in love. I feel enchanted. But inexplicably to me, my girlfriend… I believe… keeps pulling me away. And then, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., she returns. To put distance between us right away.
I wanted to be there for her when her parents had health problems. She didn’t allow me. But, in one form or another, her friend blamed me for leaving her alone when things got tough. I couldn’t find a suitable reply because I don’t understand what’s happening.
On the battlefield
She tells me that I’m not fighting for our relationship. I don’t see the point of a fight. Are we two young people who want to be together or not? Or at least to try it. Where’s the battlefield, I don’t see it?
One evening she promised to accompany me to a basketball game. I was absolutely thrilled. I went to pick her up. She didn’t answer the phone or the intercom. I didn’t know what to do and I was extremely worried. I called her friend. She calmed me down.The next morning I received a message from her saying that she felt unwell and that she would have expected an immediate sign from me after the game. At least to tell her the score. Imagine, to tell her the score. While I was boiling without understanding anything.
I didn’t look for her for two days, and she bombarded me with messages of concern. I didn’t quite understand their meaning. It was as if she wanted to make sure I was in my place. I almost begged her not to contact me for a few days to sort out my thoughts. It is such a deep suffering.
What is this?
The picture Sebastian draws contains elements of ambivalence and control. This cycle can be repeated many times and is characteristic of a yo-yo relationship. Where Yoyo is no longer just a game, but the premise of emotional imbalance in a couple’s relationship.
Something prevents this young lady from being in a relationship with you. You don’t understand what or why. You don’t receive any explanation. Probably this is how she is wired in her relationships. I don’t know her, it’s just a supposition based on the descriptions you made.
This would mean that she “ties up” her romantic partners – and now it is your turn – with occasional rewards (such as phone calls, sex, short expressions of concern, inconsistent offers), followed by constant and repeated rejection of offers for a stable relationship. She believes she remains in control in this way. She decides when to connect, how much, and how. When you want something more, she doesn’t take responsibility. Everything happens on her terms, never on yours. And why do you have to “beg” her not to contact you? In this way, she continues to control the “spell”.
Why do we stay suspended in a yo-yo relationship?
Because intermittent reinforcement is a strong hook.
Do you remember the experiments with rats? When rewards are sporadic and unpredictable, a rat will continuously push the lever it has learned is the food source because persistently it receives, from time to time, the reward.
Yoyo relationships have the same effect, rewarding your persistence to stay hooked there. They keep only a glimmer of hope for you, only to knock you out again in the next round. Whenever you are rejected, you remember the good moments, and just before you lose hope again, a reconciliation appears. And even when you think: “Enough! I’ve had it!” it’s hard to walk away from the hope that one day you’ll be “on the wave” again.
Remember, actions always speak louder than words. Not what she says (“I miss you”), but what she does (not responding) indicates her true status.
Moreover, even her speech is not consistent. Most likely, she’ll say something one day and contradict herself the next.
The Yoyo effect is insanely tempting.
How do we get out of there?
By admitting that it’s happening. The spell doesn’t break until you open your eyes and pay attention to the signs.
As you begin to see this relationship more clearly, you may look back and wonder why the hell you stayed there for so long. Don’t blame yourself; you stayed as long as you needed to learn the lessons you needed.
Getting angry at each other is unproductive and might keep you captive in the drama of your relationship. We can get mad at ourselves for getting caught in the same trap again and again, but even that is unproductive.
Instead, the best thing to do is to use your emotions for your well-being. This may also mean analyzing your own role in the relationship and taking responsibility for your actions. This way, you’re less likely to repeat them.
Stop the carousel, get off, and instead of saying, “I want this relationship to work,” try the version “I want a relationship that works.”
